I started off as a “good” survivor (or at least with the intentions of being a good one). I had physical limitations from surgeries and that stupid frozen shoulder. (Quick re-cap…bilateral mastectomy January 2013, tissue expanders June 2013, implants October 2013…refusal to heal…implants removed December 2013, further healing issues and a frozen shoulder. All of this put me somewhat out of commission for nearly 2 years.) And of course I was (and still am) self-conscious about my appearance. But I really wanted to be a good survivor and let this horrible experience make me a better, happier, calmer person. I will never see cancer as a “gift”, nor have I ever thought of it as a “journey” (new travel agent, please), and I think that’s okay. A friend told me she thought of me as a poster-child for the non-reconstructed chest, so I thought I’d try to run with that. I think I was doing pretty well for a while, but lately I feel stuck. I’m not as happy as I want to be, and I don’t know how to make that happen. Several months ago, I told another friend that I realize I was given a second chance and I don’t want to waste it. She thought that was so profound. Now I just laugh at myself for saying it because I haven’t really fulfilled that desire to not waste this second chance. I honestly don’t know exactly what I should be doing to not waste it (I’d thought about a career change, but I’m also sort of stuck in my job), so I thought I should let that carry through in my attitude. Be that bright, positive energy in every room. It’s really hard not to get bogged down in the bullshit of everyday life (at home and at work), and I forget to remind myself that I’m trying to be a better person. I’m anxious and prone to anger. I get really angry. And sometimes I feel depressed. I worry about recurrence (my leg hurts – is that bone mets? I’ve had a headache twice this week – is it in my brain? I lost my balance – it is definitely in my brain. You know the drill). My husband very recently said it seems like I’ve hit a plateau. I’ve been thinking about that since the moment he said it. Normally, I might respond to a comment like this by pouting a little and passive-aggressively letting him know that he hurt my feelings (“can’t you see I’m doing the best I know how?”), but this time, I’m actually pondering it and realizing that it’s time to figure out how to climb a little higher.